Bad News First

It seems nowadays, every time I sit down at the computer...I find another reason to cry.  Glutton for punishment?  Maybe.  I can't stop reading about the journeys that others have taken, or babies that have taken that trip to Heaven too soon.  I woke up Monday morning to very sad news.  One of the first HLHS Mothers I found, mainly to ask questions, lost her baby girl Olivia.  She was 4 months old.  One month older than Caroline.  Yesterday was also my Sweetie's 3 month mark.  12 weeks ago, we were preparing to send our daughter away for her first open heart surgery.  I'm not sure why I feel so connected to this family.  I have followed their every move since we found out Caroline would be born with a CHD.  I wanted to be prepared.  I wanted to know EVERYTHING.  Now, I'm not so sure that all this is actually good for me.  I feel like, in watching those success stories, the one's with the not-so-happy endings always stand out.  I can't imagine the pain your soul feels when you hold your dying child.  I don't want to.  Not ever. 

Sometimes I reach over and touch Caroline in the middle of the night.  Just because I can.  I feel blessed to be able to touch my daughter.  I feel blessed that she is a fighter and has stayed with us this long.  Every day I catch myself thinking, "why am I feeling frustrated right now?" "I'll bet Olivia's Mommy would give everything she has to hold her baby".

No news yet on the Glenn.  I think Children's National is trying to torture me in the only way they know how...making me wait.