It seems nowadays, every time I sit down at the computer...I find another reason to cry. Glutton for punishment? Maybe. I can't stop reading about the journeys that others have taken, or babies that have taken that trip to Heaven too soon. I woke up Monday morning to very sad news. One of the first HLHS Mothers I found, mainly to ask questions, lost her baby girl Olivia. She was 4 months old. One month older than Caroline. Yesterday was also my Sweetie's 3 month mark. 12 weeks ago, we were preparing to send our daughter away for her first open heart surgery. I'm not sure why I feel so connected to this family. I have followed their every move since we found out Caroline would be born with a CHD. I wanted to be prepared. I wanted to know EVERYTHING. Now, I'm not so sure that all this is actually good for me. I feel like, in watching those success stories, the one's with the not-so-happy endings always stand out. I can't imagine the pain your soul feels when you hold your dying child. I don't want to. Not ever.
Sometimes I reach over and touch Caroline in the middle of the night. Just because I can. I feel blessed to be able to touch my daughter. I feel blessed that she is a fighter and has stayed with us this long. Every day I catch myself thinking, "why am I feeling frustrated right now?" "I'll bet Olivia's Mommy would give everything she has to hold her baby".
No news yet on the Glenn. I think Children's National is trying to torture me in the only way they know how...making me wait.
I forgot to mention...she is a whopping 5.4 kilos (11 pounds 14 ounces)!
ReplyDeleteShe's also beautiful and, from the look in her eyes, clearly very smart. :)
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